A Chance of Rain

Rainy day…

My thoughts scramble around with the ideas that I don’t have what it takes to I’m a confident, talented woman and I can do whatever I want. I’ve remained in the dark for so long that I’ve allowed myself to not really believe I can go for something I want. Whether it is in a social situation or looking ahead in my career, I’ve become a hermit too afraid to come out of her shell. For many things I’ve obtained that “can do” attitude, like finishing college. With that attitude I have proven to myself that I can work hard and that I have something special inside me.

One rejection after the other, I being to doubt and then doubt some more. Those countless no’s have blocked me from moving forward. Those who’ve told me no aren’t to blame. I’ve learned it would be wrong of me to blame others for what hasn’t happened for me-yet. I’m accountable. I’m accountable for being stuck in my tracks. I’m accountable for not believing. I’m accountable for not thriving.

I’ve taken some first steps these past few weeks. I’ve applied, applied, applied. Yes, it’s tiresome filling out your name, date, address, etc. repeatedly. My hand cramps from filling out paper applications. My eyes glaze over from applying to positions online. Yet, they are steps-my steps-to stepping out the front door of the apartment and facing the world.

I’ve taken further steps, interviewing. My first interview was a bomb. I went in dressed professionally, but my attitude repelled confidence. I carried on through the interview with sweaty palms and forehead. My voice was high and shaky, but I kept on going. Afterwards, I felt great! I was horrible, but I still felt like I accomplished something. That day was a rainy day, too, just like today.

My second interview went better. I faked a positive attitude. But, I noticed halfway through the interview that all my nerves had focused in on my hands. I noticed I still held a pen in my hands, the pen I had filled out the application with. My hands twirled the pen around and around. “How long have I been doing this,” I asked myself silently. I stopped and placed the pen in my lap, still keeping eye contact with the lady across from me. When it was over, I felt good! I could picture myself in the position. Again, I had doubts.

Just a few days ago, I had a third interview. (And now I’m thinking about that cliché. You know what I mean.) I drove to the town center. I had left early enough to arrive at the interview on time. I followed the directions I was given, but I got lost. The place was beautiful, but confusing. There were right turns and left turns. All the stores looked the same, trendy and petite. I blinked at all the white buildings that surrounded me, confused. A tear was about to spring from behind my eyeballs. I really didn’t want to miss a chance. I felt like giving up.

I drove around, listening to instinct. When I rely on instinct, it usually helps me out. When my brain said to turn left, I did. When my brain said to turn right, I did. When my brain said the store is on the left side of the street, it was. I read the sign above the store. I screamed, “Thank you!” Then I looked for a place to park. Every spot was taken. I looked at my clock inside the car. Five minutes to two o’clock. I had five minutes to find a spot to park and then haul my tail into the interview.

The only parking I found was several blocks away. I dashed across the parking lot in uncomfortable ballet-style shoes, rushed across the street, and power walked several blocks. I made it to the store. My hand reached for the handle on the glass door. For a split second I looked inside. The store was small, trendy, and welcoming. The walls were white with built in glass shelves and florescent lights illuminated the shoes that were on display. I opened the door and walked in. I greeted the sales associate and filled out an application. I really felt at home.

The interview was 100% better than the last two. I remembered how I used to interview for jobs during my time in school. Then, I was more optimistic and willing and developing my confidence. Now, I’ve let that confidence slip after hearing so many no’s. That day I dug for that confidence that was deep inside me and tired to hang unto it until the interview was over. Surprisingly, some of the confidence hung around afterwards.

I’m looking at this move as a way to reinvent myself… Wait, no. I’m looking at it as a way to improve myself. I guess there’s nothing wrong with the person that I am, although I think so at different times in my life. I just need to rebuild some of myself back up. How long will that take? I don’t know.

I do know that as I look outside at the rain, I find it cleansing. I hope some of this rain washes away some of my doubts and negativity.